Posts Tagged roses are red

King of Diamonds: Anniversary cards


The following are variations of ‘Roses are red‘ based on the songs Jonathan Coulton wrote for his Thing a Week.

anniv1. See You All in Hell

Eyeballs are red,
water is blue.
Arm’s gone to hell
and so will you.

2. My Monkey

Monkey saw red,
monkey feels blue.
Bananas are yummy,
but monkey loves you.

3. W’s Duty

Let’s do our duty
to red, white, and blue.
If you do a duty
then I’ll do a poo.

4. Shop Vac

Picket fence white,
flower beds purple.
Shop vac sucks nicely,
just like the suburb’ll.

5. Baby Got Back

JC likes big butts,
as if he were black;
hope they were covered
before baby got back.

6. Someone is Crazy

Violets are red,
roses are blue.
That’s clearly crazy
and so are you.

7. Brand New Sucker

You’re not pure white,
and I’m not that green.
This can’t continue
the way that it’s been.

8. Sibling Rivalry

Jane’s wearing orange,
Joan’s wearing slate,
soon they’ll face off
and then separate.

9. The Town Crotch

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
She’s well deflowered,
but our love was true.

10. When I’m 25 or 64

25’s square,
64 cubic.
A mashup of both
released intertubic.

11. Podsafe Christmas Song

Some bite like redbacks
protecting their greenbacks.
Your present this Christmas
is taking the scene back.

12. Furry Old Lobster

Lobsters are red.
Once they were brown.
Don’t doubt this knowledge
when Hodgman’s around.

13. Drive

Fast cars red
Mine infrared
drive like sexy
not get dead

14. Flickr

Red Green and Blue,
or CMYK,
These pixels are free,
CC-BY-SA.

15. Resolutions

Reasoning’s solid,
guidance is clear.
These tips will bring you
An excellent year.

16. You Could Be Her

Pretzels are brown
beer is brown too.
Someone will love them,
will it be you?

17. I Will

Sugar- and heartbeats
covered in honey,
this song is sweet;
no need to be funny.

18. Dance, Soterios Johnson, Dance.

Strobe lights are green,
with reds and with blues.
When they turn off,
you’ll bring us the news.

19. So Far So Good

Roses are red,
(so far, so good)
didn’t quite last
as long as they could.

20. Curl

Dreaming of gold,
for red, white and blue,
wake from dream early,
make it come true.

21. Chiron Beta Prime

Bots’ eyes are red,
Soylent is green.
Our Christmas crackers
are full of protein.

or:

Snow’s hooloovoo,
snowrocks are orange.
Our family is trapped
[MESSAGE REDACTED]

22. Take Care of Me

Roses are red,
water is blue.
Separate beside me
waiting for you.

23. A Talk With George

Stories aren’t read
of days people blew.
George made it count,
and so can you.

24. Don’t Talk to Strangers

Lavender’s purple,
mint flowers white.
Big city men
won’t treat you right.

25. Stroller Town

Stop when it’s red,
go when it’s green.
I’ve got the fastest
pram on the scene.

26. Re: Your Brains

Matters are grey,
Irises blue.
Rathole the eyes-scream,
a dinner is you.

27. Madelaine

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Which do you want?
It’s up to you.

28. When You Go

Roses are red
chrysanthemums white.
Flowers have withered
and nothing is right.

29. Code Monkey

Fritos are yellow
so’s Mountain Dew.
Code Monkey like them,
but mostly like you.

30. The Presidents

A whole lot of whites,
some red and some blue,
it’s time for a change
now Obama’s there too.

31. Just as Long as Me

Most lovers’ roses are red,
French tulips are coloured like crème.
I don’t really care who she is,
as long as she has a long stem.

32. Till the Money Comes

I’ll wait for our golden,
I’ll wait for our silver.
When she gets them both
I’ll no longer think ill of ‘er.

33. Tom Cruise Crazy

Violet are reds,
rose are blues.
Messed up and crazy,
it’s just like Tom Cruise.

34. Famous Blue Raincoat

Roses are red,
Raincoats are blue.
Rain-covered streets,
Jane covered you.

35. Soft Rocked By Me

Roses are yellow
wine is rosé.
Think you won’t need me?
No way, Jose.

36. Not About You

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dumped on your doorstep
’cause they’re not for you.

37. Rock and Roll Boy

Young boys like toys,
old boys like drums.
Rock and roll boys
should love their mums.

38. Drinking With You

Let’s show our true colours
without much ado.
Beer would be sweet,
while drinking with you.

39. Pizza Day

Maybe you’re friendless,
maybe you’re blue.
Remember, it’s Friday,
there’s pizza for you!

40. Skymall

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
These gold-dipped roses
last longer than you!

41. Seahorse

She’s getting tail,
he’s getting screwed.
Since he’s a seahorse
he’s stuck with the brood.

42. Creepy Doll

Eye is ruined,
mouth is pretty.
You should have stayed
in your big city.

43. Under The Pines

Roses are red,
suet is white.
I hope you remember
our big hairy night.

44. Big Bad World One

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
I know you won’t like them.
Big bad world two.

45. Mr. Fancy Pants

Your pants are rainbows,
his pants are brown.
You know that your pants
never gonna let you down.

46. You Ruined Everything

Girls dress in pink,
Boys dress in blue.
Conceding defeat,
but all for you.

47. I’m Your Moon

Some friends are rare,
some moons are blue.
You’re here for me,
and I’m here for you.

48. The Big Boom

Something goes boom,
car alarms scream
all of these noises
are worse than they seem.

49. Make You Cry

Roses are red,
bought them for you.
Revenge is sweet:
I brought thorns too.

50. Pull the String

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
One single aphid
would eat through you.

51. Summer’s Over

Leaves turn to red,
trees’ turn to grieve,
watching them fall,
watching you leave.

52. We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions

Rose to the challenge,
vibe fifty-two.
Clap for JC
if he has rocked you.

Read the rest of this entry »

, , ,

7 Comments

Six of Clubs: Hydrogen Gas


Just over twelve hours to write something. I should have started sooner. I’ll start by reading the section on short short stories in Susan Tiberghian’s book, because it’s about time I wrote some prose. She says, ‘A story, be it short or book length, creates a dream in the reader’s mind.’ Can I create a universe in your head in twelve hours? How much of the real universe had been created after twelve hours? It didn’t take much more than seventeen minutes for the newly created protons and neutrons to band together into light nuclei.

Things go a little slower now, but perhaps I can do something similar in the time I have. First, I need some protons to start from. That’s easy. Take three random cards from my pile of sixes of clubs. With any luck, they’ll be different enough that merely finding a link between them will give me an entire story, but not so different that I can’t find a link. Three quarks to form a proton or neutron, two the same, one different.

An ordinary six of clubs. Why do the boring cards always come up when I do this? A close-up of a black spotted cow in Holland. Well, cows eat clovers. Spreading phlox in Canada. Sounds like something made up by Dr. Seuss. Too similar. Do the phlox and clovers vie for the cow’s attention? Can I write an interesting story about a perfectly ordinary cow eating clovers? Susan quotes Eunice Scarfe as saying, ‘If we have lived, we each have a story.’ What is the cow’s story? Perhaps the letter of the week can help me. H, from the Semitic letter ח. According to wikipedia, the form of the letter probably stood for a fence or posts. There are none, in the field where this Dutch cow lived.

Green clovers and phlox

I do not like this spreading phlox,
I would not like it with an ox.
I’d rather risk a mad cowpox,
by joining all the other stocks
and munching on a tasty clover,
but alas I can’t get over,
Thank goodness I’ve a bale of stover,
some for me and some left over.

No, this isn’t going anywhere. I quite like the CERN card this week though: formation of nuclei, or nucleosynthesis: Temperature is low enough to allow protons and neutrons to combine to form nuclei (deuterium, helium, lithium) Conditions similar to interior of stars. It could be an analogy for so many things.

Nuclear Bonds

At first, I was friends with everyone. Any kid who would play with me for five minutes was my friend for five minutes, maybe six. Later on, they tired of bouncing between playmates, and formed more lasting friendships. I flew through them alone, at times kicked here and there by their repulsion, at times accepted temporarily into a more neutral group. Finally I collided with another lone spark, and we bonded.

Not bad, I guess. But I don’t know how long I could continue it. What’s the letter of the week again? Ah… H is for hydrogen, which has the lightest nucleus of all, a single proton, which would have existed even before nucleosynthesis started. What can I say about hydrogen? I may not have much of a story, but I have the best title ever.

Big Bang Nucleosynaesthesia

Hydrogen’s green,
Helium too.
I didn’t know how,
but somehow I knew.

I used to think hydrogen was green. The letter H was as green as they come, and I didn’t know where else I would have got that association from.

My family had several old cars, often referred to as ‘old bombs’. One was exactly the colour of H, and I was burning to make a joke about it being an H-bomb. I always stopped just short of saying anything, because I couldn’t figure out what made H green. Was hydrogen green? It ought to be. Eventually, the frustration of not being able to tell this joke got to me, and I asked my dad whether hydrogen was green. It wasn’t.

Some time later, I gathered the courage to ask him whether the letter H was green. I don’t remember what colour he said it was, but it was not green. He said that perhaps the colours we associated with numbers and letters came from fridge magnets or alphabet books we had as children. A is for apple, so maybe that’s why it was red. Only, it’s more of a pinkish red.

When I was a teenager, I heard about something called synaesthesia, where people could taste colours, see sounds, and all sorts of other weird and wonderful combinations. How strange it must be to see a red apple and taste
a steak and cheese pie. How amazing it must be to see an entire symphony laid out like an intricately knotted carpet. How enlightening it must be to feel a graph tingling on the back of the neck, and linking intuitively with other information like a massage from a well-trained masseuse.

Synaesthetes were real-world superheroes, until I found out I was one. A few years ago I read about something called grapheme-colour synaesthesia, which means that people automatically associate letters and numbers with colours. Like all kinds of synaesthesia, it runs in families. Different people have different colours for each letter and number, although ‘A’ is quite frequently reported to be red. It does not seem to depend on the fridge magnets the synaesthetes were exposed to. Nor does it reveal any deep truths about the universe outside my head. On the other hand, people are talking a lot about hydrogen as a green alternative to fossil fuels these days…

Perhaps this idea would just about cut it. Perhaps not. The H fridge magnet which I’ll have to use to illustrate it is an incongruous red. An H in disguise; it took me a while to find.

Sunset. The faintly fading photons remind me that it’s time to fuse all these proto-ideas into the nucleus of a story. Perhaps if I force myself to write them, a link will reveal itself. But they stubbornly stay separate, isolated and inadequate. Perhaps that’s how it should be. Most of the universe today is made of hydrogen, those lone protons which slipped through the nucleosynthesis stage unaffected. I just need to embellish them with electrons, and send them electronically across the globe.

Read the rest of this entry »

, , , , , , ,

7 Comments

Three of Hearts: Chpamnorbosg Eiurnyngillyng


Three of hearts showing the ALICE TPC, with tentacle monster and the word \'Prévisible\'. A spectacular view of the interior of the ALICE Time Projection Chamber (TPC) - the world\'s largest. It measures the trajectories of the thousands of particles emitted in heavy ion collisions with sub-millimetre precision.A lad at a fair who was lacking directions,
found a booth which was offering temp’ral projections.
“We’ll show you the future, we’ll show you the past,
you’ll gape at the first and you’ll gasp at the last.”
Being fond of projections, and not short of time,
he sat in the chamber and paid in the dime.
There were buttons for films of both pre- and post-diction
in all sorts of genres; he chose science fiction.

Way out behind the shroud of night,
beyond the Milky Way
the sothnax live in perfect time,
not slaves of night or day.

They see the world through two stalked eyes
one each of time and space.
What humans see as future time
is just a further place.

In such a world it’s rather hard
to pull off any capers,
a fresh-made scheme is by that time
already in the papers.

But one mad sothnax killed and fled
without the slightest plan
without the slightest thought that time
flew faster than he ran.

For since a lengthy moment he
was blinded in one eye,
the police approached, and just in time,
the killer found out why.

For all the speed a photon has,
it’s far outpaced by souls.
For all their pow’rs to see through time,
they can’t see through black holes.

And so the killer’s soul escaped
and made its way toward Earth,
to steal a dying egg in time
to steer it back toward birth.

Their unforeseen collision forced
the dying human soul
to think it was not yet its time.
They fused to make a whole.

But enough with this fiction of tempo-transmography,
Our fact-hungry viewer went next to biography.

Chpamnorbosg Eiurnyngillyng
Lived a life of greed and killing
then he got in a mother
and started another.

And with that our young lad was left thirsting for more
so he pressed on the button that said ‘film d’amour’.

roses are red,
sothnax xanthose.
One soul mates a sothnax,
two soulmates arose.

Such soulful emotion was too strong a homily,
So to lighten things up he selected a comedy

An alien thought he was winning
till he got into trouble for sinning
So he came down to Earth
underwent a new birth
and completely forgot his beginning.

Just for fun our lad moved to the edge of his chair
then selected a horror and braced for a scare.

She screamed bloody murder
as the monster interred her
and without an escape route
she was juiced like a grapefruit
but the killer’s black soul
sped to make a black hole
to escape being observed
an escape undeserved.

And he grew as a boy
with no thoughts of the ploy
till the day he was found
by a bloodless bloodhound

And our hero could see that in fact it was he,

and they came in the stall
and forced his downfall
he screamed a waul
lost the brawl
lost all
gall

Read the rest of this entry »

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

%d bloggers like this: